I recently hit the 50 LBS mark...I don't think I have ever felt better, or looked it really.

For the first three people who reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD - or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less.

The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR livejournal - 'cause its fun to give people stuff.

The first 3 participants win!

You should probably leave me an address as well. In order to receive said something.

I stood on the scale this morning...and after 3 short weeks, I'm down 25LBS! I'm very proud of myself...more at the new spot

I had a really great time tonight, and I'm looking forward to many more nights like this. details at the new spot...

I'm moving this...

I will not have wars with you, not this way, I have moved on with my life and I am doing just fine without you in my life but I will say a few things;

If you love the cat so much maybe you should learn how to spell her name
You wouldn't have one the cat
The thing that I'll never get?? Too bad I have it and have for awhile
As far as me not paying rent? I owe you nothing I paid my rent
And those phone calls to the those people you've made? the one's that you think are your "friends"? Well its too bad that we've all sat down together and discussed you, they don't want you, and I know everything you've said.
I have NEVER drank while pregnant...tho I think its funny you felt the need to jump to that conlcusion

But now its back to me

Starting over, completly with a new slate? I think its been good for me, its showed me alot, including things in the people who I thought really loved me. Its showed me my true strength and now I know I can do anything.

but to you:

These last two weeks have been so hard for me, and I have kept it neatly locked in a box and I threw out the key on the freeway, I haven't let anyone in really, not about this. Watching you lay in that bed has torn out my soul. I've gotten to think a lot about the memories we have and it makes me sad, so so sad, because I don't want you to go down like this or to stay this way. Tho I know we have had our differences, I still love you, and I dunno what I will do without you in my life, I hope you know this; You have made a bigger impact on my life than anyone ever has, and I'm a lot like you in a lot of ways.

Living without you has been hard, but now, now I have all this time to think about it and I've realized many things.

I loved you more than you'll ever love me
I deserve better, tho truthfully all I really want is you.
I gave you my whole heart, everything and now I'm left, staring at it shattered on the ground
You never really gave it all to me
I was your first, in more than one way, which is why I believe it is so hard for you to walk away from me.
Our hurtful words? I don't believe most of them that you say.
I will not standing waiting, I'm not saying I will go on dating, I have our children to worry about right now, but I will not be here forever.
I still love you, and I think it will take me a long time to really move past this
I hope our kids have your eyes...

and then this

I'd run away but I can't escape the power of your pride
Your eyes are cold like an empty soul and I'm burning up inside
There's nothing wrong with letting go and you're still diggin' in
We're racing to the bottom and I can't find the end

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

You love me when you want to and you find reasons to fight
Another lame excuse to keep the devil on you side
Trying hard to hide those scars that I've already seen
Your beat up heart's not the only thing that's keeping you from me

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

Pain has made you weak and hard
I will never be as strong,

As strong...
As this wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
With this wall

I know that I can't live in the past, but I wonder, I wonder if you all know how badly I'm really hurting, if you know truly how empty I feel? Do you know the length that I lay awake this morning staring at the ceiling wishing that the floorboards would just swallow me up. I know its not fair to be sad that I should be looking at what the future is bringing me, at the wonderful baby boys that i will have come December, but I wish she was here, I wish she could see this. So other than the below I will not wallow today, but I will remember the good times and tho they may bring tears at least i know I will be ok.

To you:

I have never told you how sorry I am for the things that I said, but more importantly for the things that I never said. I remember once when I was about 7 and we had gotten in a fight, I was going to bed and you told me that you love me, but I refused to say it back. You looked me in the eye and said "Cass I know that your upset, but what would you do if you woke up tomorrow and I wasn't here and you hadn't said it?" who knew that moment would now haunt me for the rest of my life, that everytime I think of you its one of my biggest regrets. I'm sorry that i never forgave you, I'm sorry that I held a mistake you made over your head for so long, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that the last year I pushed you out of my life, that I walked away from you and never looked back. I'm sorry for the words I couldn't say.

I woke up this morning, and I stared at the ceiling wondering why, why it has to be like this? Why everything in my life has to all gone wrong at the same time. Sunday is going to be a really rough day for me, already it has completly stressed me out, just to add to everything else going on in my life. I feel like I can't breath sometimes, this morning I felt as if someone was sitting on my chest. Still now I'm not sure how I can handle everything going on in my life, I'm not supposed to stress, its bad for the babies, but lately I can't even seem to think straight...I miss you, and I need you now more than ever, but I've never felt farther from you.




I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I lied when I said that it'd only be for one night, I can't get her off my mind today. I miss her, I read through some old entries tonight...I read back to the way I felt back then, and the truth? I've never really accpeted it, I NEVER let it all go. There are far too many things that went unsaid between us, and I wonder now how I let that happen. I should have let her be in my life more, I shouldn't have pushed her away so far, FUCK the boundaries that I set, why did I let myself set them? Why did I let it all get to me the way it did? Why didn't I ever forgive her? Why now am I stuck with these words, these useless words without anyone to say them to but this damn computer screen?

I wonder if anyone will ever fill that hole, if anyone will ever come close? I wonder how long it will really take for this all to be over with, how long my heart will ache for her? I wonder why I left it buried so deep for so long, why I never let it resurface? Why I never dealt with it head on and why I never let it all go, why I never really cried.

Are you really this petty? What are we in highschool again? The things you have done are unforgiveable, I hope you realize this, I can't let the things you did to me go, ever. I hope you realize what you have lost, because as I was once told, I'm an amazing friend, and you have lost something great. You don't realize the things that I did for you, and I hope you feel horrible for the stress you put on me, for making me feel the way that I do. I hope you realize that without me you have nothing, I was the last one to not give up on you...but you screwed that up.

As far as everything else goes? I feel like an immense weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that for the first time in a long time I can breath again. I'm no longer overwhelmed, and I'd like you to know that this is the best I've felt in a long time.

I know I should have walked away from you long ago, I should have let you two wallow together, but as you both know I don't do anything half hearted, I put my entire being, my soul into everything that I do. So now that you two are stuck together, because well let's just face it, you were destined to be together, no one else would want either of you, which is truly in the long run why you are still stuck together.

I deserved better than you, I gave you too much, I let you in too deep, and now your right I do regret it, but unlike you I have amazing friends who will be there for me and who will pick up the pieces that you left behind.

Who will you go to now? because I hope you know that you will NEVER come back to me.

Hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in
Your cage the only place where they will leave you alone 'cause the weak will
Seek the weaker until they've broken them could you get it back again

Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense left you with no defense they tore it down and i have
Felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered where you feel safe

You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around

The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown

Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to
Fall can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
'Cause no one will you don't know why they had to go

This far traded your worth for these scars for your only
Company don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright

In case you were wondering?? Only a few will understand this one

I wonder how long it will take me, how long until I realize the things that I truly know in my heart but refuse to accept. How long will I lie to myself? How long will I let you walk all over my heart? Why, why do I love you so much? Why does this hurt so badly? You don't respect me, not even a little, and I wonder if it came down to it, would you stand up for me? I'm afraid of the answer.

What if, what if I just walked away? Could I find the courage? Could I stand up for myself?

Tonight my mind slips back to her, I wish she was here to do this with me. I wish that she could help me with this, to hold me to let me know that it will all be ok. This is the one thing that I wished she had gotten to see. Tomorrow (the doctor called today to reschedule my appointment) I will find out, and I wish she was with me. I don't want to do this by myself, but at the same time I want no one else to share in it with me except her (and well Brandon of course). So just for tonight I will be thinking of her, I'll let my mind wander back a little and I'll remember the good times.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

As I lay awake in the early hours of the morning, I started thinking about how much this is going to change my life. (I realize your all going duh!) I realized how much it has already changed my life. How though only 8 weeks in that I would do anything for my kids, how already I love them with my whole heart, how I would give my life for them.

I realize how though we've tossed around ideas about what we want, it doesn't matter, because no matter what I will love these babies. I realize that I would go to any length to keep them safe, to protect them from the harsh cruelties of the world. That I won't let them have to do the things that I was forced to do.I realize how fast this has made us have to grow up, and I wish that you could do this with me, I wish that you could be around more to see the little thing, but at the same time I know that once born you will always be there, and you won't miss a single second.

I see the things in you that I had always hoped for, I know that you'll stand by me and you will help support our kids no matter what, and it makes my heart melt the way you have stepped up to the plate for this. We won't have to struggle to make ends meet, and that, well that is our biggest blessing. I hope that you know how much I truly love you, how that without you I know that I couldn't do this. When you put your hand on my stomach on the other day, tho I told you it bothered me, really inside it made me wanna cry.

As for the rest of you? Thank you for your immense support, Mon, Autumn, Car Keys, Miller, Bryce, Bronce, thank you for not giving up on me. Though we're not perfect, we're a family, and without you I dunno what I would do. Our family is not blood, but yet a small handful of our odd selves, we have an amazing family that is stronger than blood, I'm glad my kids will have you to grow up around, I'm glad that they'll have you to come to, because I know you all already love them too.

Who knew that things would turn out this way? I sure didn't.

I took your words and I believed in all the things you said to me. If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch their mouths, cause I know better, cause you said forever, who knew?

I realized a lot in the past week, that you are what I want, that though I recently had doubts you've just confirmed what I've always known, that you wre the right one, the one who I'd spend the rest of my life with. After my talk with "him" I truly realize how much you love me, and I'm sorry that right now I'm so crazy, but I can't help it, but I know you understand.

I never thought that you would hurt me the way that you did, I thought that we were stronger than the things that have torn us apart, but appearantly we're not. I'm sorry that you've lost your friends, but you pushed them away, they didn't walk away from you. As for me? yeah, you hurt me, you hurt me badly, but at the same time I know I will be ok, because I have people in my life who won't let me drown in the fact that you hurt me. They will pick up the pieces, funny how that works huh?

I do wish the best for you still, and up until this morning I would have forgiven you, but now I know in my heart that we will never be the same. I could try, but I'm not ready, I need an apology first, and first I need you to realize how badly you really hurt me.

I've had a lot of time to think the last day or so, I've had morning sickness to the extreme, and well lets just say it hasn't been very pleasant. I've thought a lot about Monday, about how I'm just really not looking forward to it. I had big plans for my birthday, but due to the current situation, well I won't be going to Canada to drink...

I just want to stay home in my bed and sleep until the day is over, I don't want to deal with it. I'm ok with being pregnant, in fact I'm kinda excited about it, I just wish that sometimes life was a little easier.

Monday there will be no cake, no alcohol, no partying, just me, thats it.

As tomorrow approaches, I feel kind of empty. I have no family, and well tomorrow for me will just be a friendly reminder of how sometimes life just isn't fair.

I had a dream last night:

It was snowing, like it is now. I was walking in it, trying to clear my head. i was standing in a field and across the field I could see you, you reached out for me, but I wouldn't take your hands. You said everything would be ok, not to worry. You reached your gloved hands out and try to put your arms around me, I let you pull me close and I cried on your chest. You started playing with my hair, and I seemed to realize what was happening, and I pulled away from you. I looked you in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget how blue they were at that moment, I told you no. A single tear rolled down your cheek and I wiped it away, I reminded you that you left me, that you walked away, and it seemed as though you realized the gravity of losing me, which now I wonder if you ever will.

i woke up at 4:30 to a tear soaked pillow, I don't know how long I had been crying, I didn't know you could cry in your sleep.

Today, the lump rises in my throat as I think of the things that I have to do, because I know you won't. its not really that I want to tell them, but if I don't i don't think that I'll be ok. it's not about pissing you off, not at all. In fact I don't hate you, or resent you, I just miss you. I wish someone could fill up these holes, I really did believe you were the one, in fact I still do, which is probably why I'm havng such a hard time with this.


Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away

Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?

No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now

[Chorus]
Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean

No, I can't learn to live without
so don't you give up on us now

I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Life has never made sense to me, until I met you, and then for whatever reason, it made sense. I'm looking back now, and I'm trying to remember the good times, there were so many. I wonder where things started to go wrong, when you stopped loving me. I don't understand, I guess that's my biggest problem, I don't understand how you could just walk away. I don't understand how you could hurt me like this, because I won't lie you let me down and you did hurt me. I don't know how to live my life without you, you were my lover, my best friend, and I don't know how to fill in these holes left by you. You should have let me let you go, but you didn't let me walk away that night, and then out of nowhere things exploded, and i still don't understand.

I don't want to do this by myself, and yes I know I have an amazing support system, and that without you I can still do it, but I don't want to. I don't want to do this, without you. I understand that your not ready, because I'm not ready either, but life doesn't always make sense, in fact life hardly ever makes sense. but the difference is, I can man up to this, I can stare it in the face, and well all you want to do is run away. That's not the way it works, you don't get to pick and chose at your conveience.

I don't know how to live without you, because for so long you have been a part of every aspect of my life. I don't know how to not talk to you, because you are the one person that I can tell things to. The one person that I let my walls down for, and it took everything to tear them down. I don't understand how you can leave me standing here, dumb founded. Love never goes away, you just learn how to move on and let it go, I don't know how long its going to take me to let you go, I don't really know if I canl. I gave you my whole heart, and now I'm stuck staring at it, shattered on the floor, wondering how to pick up the pieces, wondering where to even start. I didn't tell them to spite you, I told them because I think they should know, it had nothing to do with getting revenge, like you seem to think.

When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me.

Contrary to popular belief, no I am no dead, I just well have had a lack of internet lately. Since my last post? Well lets see, I had gull bladder surgery, and got to deal with a very fun infection.

Life is funny sometimes, how when you least expect something it seems to come up behind you and reveal itself. Its funny how when you plan something much farther down the road it happens way too early. Its funny how death seems to bring life. Its weird how when really great things happen to you, something else comes behind you and scares the crap out of you.

Some of you know the situation at hand, while others, well you may not. What you don't know is how scared I am, I wasn't expecting this, and while I'm scared, I think that we can do this, I think that yes it means we are going to have to work together, and yes I know it's going to be hard, but that we can do this. I know your not like him, but in the back of my mind that situation is still there and I'm scared that your going to get freaked out and that your going leave me. I know how unrealistic that is, how unfair it is to you, but still it haunts me.

I know that without you I can't do this, that if I had to do this on my own I wouldn't make it, well I hope that you know that too. I hope you know how much I'm going to need you. I hope we can do this, I know in my heart that if we try we can do this, we can do anything.