I recently hit the 50 LBS mark...I don't think I have ever felt better, or looked it really.

For the first three people who reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD - or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or less.

The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR livejournal - 'cause its fun to give people stuff.

The first 3 participants win!

You should probably leave me an address as well. In order to receive said something.

I stood on the scale this morning...and after 3 short weeks, I'm down 25LBS! I'm very proud of myself...more at the new spot

I had a really great time tonight, and I'm looking forward to many more nights like this. details at the new spot...

I'm moving this...

I will not have wars with you, not this way, I have moved on with my life and I am doing just fine without you in my life but I will say a few things;

If you love the cat so much maybe you should learn how to spell her name
You wouldn't have one the cat
The thing that I'll never get?? Too bad I have it and have for awhile
As far as me not paying rent? I owe you nothing I paid my rent
And those phone calls to the those people you've made? the one's that you think are your "friends"? Well its too bad that we've all sat down together and discussed you, they don't want you, and I know everything you've said.
I have NEVER drank while pregnant...tho I think its funny you felt the need to jump to that conlcusion

But now its back to me

Starting over, completly with a new slate? I think its been good for me, its showed me alot, including things in the people who I thought really loved me. Its showed me my true strength and now I know I can do anything.

but to you:

These last two weeks have been so hard for me, and I have kept it neatly locked in a box and I threw out the key on the freeway, I haven't let anyone in really, not about this. Watching you lay in that bed has torn out my soul. I've gotten to think a lot about the memories we have and it makes me sad, so so sad, because I don't want you to go down like this or to stay this way. Tho I know we have had our differences, I still love you, and I dunno what I will do without you in my life, I hope you know this; You have made a bigger impact on my life than anyone ever has, and I'm a lot like you in a lot of ways.

Living without you has been hard, but now, now I have all this time to think about it and I've realized many things.

I loved you more than you'll ever love me
I deserve better, tho truthfully all I really want is you.
I gave you my whole heart, everything and now I'm left, staring at it shattered on the ground
You never really gave it all to me
I was your first, in more than one way, which is why I believe it is so hard for you to walk away from me.
Our hurtful words? I don't believe most of them that you say.
I will not standing waiting, I'm not saying I will go on dating, I have our children to worry about right now, but I will not be here forever.
I still love you, and I think it will take me a long time to really move past this
I hope our kids have your eyes...

and then this

I'd run away but I can't escape the power of your pride
Your eyes are cold like an empty soul and I'm burning up inside
There's nothing wrong with letting go and you're still diggin' in
We're racing to the bottom and I can't find the end

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

You love me when you want to and you find reasons to fight
Another lame excuse to keep the devil on you side
Trying hard to hide those scars that I've already seen
Your beat up heart's not the only thing that's keeping you from me

And there's a wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
And there a wall

Pain has made you weak and hard
I will never be as strong,

As strong...
As this wall
Standing here between us
And that's all that's keeping you from freedom
And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger
You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall
With this wall

I know that I can't live in the past, but I wonder, I wonder if you all know how badly I'm really hurting, if you know truly how empty I feel? Do you know the length that I lay awake this morning staring at the ceiling wishing that the floorboards would just swallow me up. I know its not fair to be sad that I should be looking at what the future is bringing me, at the wonderful baby boys that i will have come December, but I wish she was here, I wish she could see this. So other than the below I will not wallow today, but I will remember the good times and tho they may bring tears at least i know I will be ok.

To you:

I have never told you how sorry I am for the things that I said, but more importantly for the things that I never said. I remember once when I was about 7 and we had gotten in a fight, I was going to bed and you told me that you love me, but I refused to say it back. You looked me in the eye and said "Cass I know that your upset, but what would you do if you woke up tomorrow and I wasn't here and you hadn't said it?" who knew that moment would now haunt me for the rest of my life, that everytime I think of you its one of my biggest regrets. I'm sorry that i never forgave you, I'm sorry that I held a mistake you made over your head for so long, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that the last year I pushed you out of my life, that I walked away from you and never looked back. I'm sorry for the words I couldn't say.

I woke up this morning, and I stared at the ceiling wondering why, why it has to be like this? Why everything in my life has to all gone wrong at the same time. Sunday is going to be a really rough day for me, already it has completly stressed me out, just to add to everything else going on in my life. I feel like I can't breath sometimes, this morning I felt as if someone was sitting on my chest. Still now I'm not sure how I can handle everything going on in my life, I'm not supposed to stress, its bad for the babies, but lately I can't even seem to think straight...I miss you, and I need you now more than ever, but I've never felt farther from you.




I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

I lied when I said that it'd only be for one night, I can't get her off my mind today. I miss her, I read through some old entries tonight...I read back to the way I felt back then, and the truth? I've never really accpeted it, I NEVER let it all go. There are far too many things that went unsaid between us, and I wonder now how I let that happen. I should have let her be in my life more, I shouldn't have pushed her away so far, FUCK the boundaries that I set, why did I let myself set them? Why did I let it all get to me the way it did? Why didn't I ever forgive her? Why now am I stuck with these words, these useless words without anyone to say them to but this damn computer screen?

I wonder if anyone will ever fill that hole, if anyone will ever come close? I wonder how long it will really take for this all to be over with, how long my heart will ache for her? I wonder why I left it buried so deep for so long, why I never let it resurface? Why I never dealt with it head on and why I never let it all go, why I never really cried.

Are you really this petty? What are we in highschool again? The things you have done are unforgiveable, I hope you realize this, I can't let the things you did to me go, ever. I hope you realize what you have lost, because as I was once told, I'm an amazing friend, and you have lost something great. You don't realize the things that I did for you, and I hope you feel horrible for the stress you put on me, for making me feel the way that I do. I hope you realize that without me you have nothing, I was the last one to not give up on you...but you screwed that up.

As far as everything else goes? I feel like an immense weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that for the first time in a long time I can breath again. I'm no longer overwhelmed, and I'd like you to know that this is the best I've felt in a long time.

I know I should have walked away from you long ago, I should have let you two wallow together, but as you both know I don't do anything half hearted, I put my entire being, my soul into everything that I do. So now that you two are stuck together, because well let's just face it, you were destined to be together, no one else would want either of you, which is truly in the long run why you are still stuck together.

I deserved better than you, I gave you too much, I let you in too deep, and now your right I do regret it, but unlike you I have amazing friends who will be there for me and who will pick up the pieces that you left behind.

Who will you go to now? because I hope you know that you will NEVER come back to me.